WHY?!

I'm 42 years old, and I think I've been on one diet or another for about 15 years. I've never been what anyone would describe as 'thin', but on the other hand, I'm not overweight either (not at the moment anyway, though I have been, but only slightly).


I never worried about my weight or size until after I had my second child (he's now nearly 16!), when I did get quite large, for me. It was at that point that I went on my 'first ever proper diet'. I did Rosemary Conley's Hip and Thigh diet, and cooked a lot of things with soya mince and no oils. I was a vegan at the time. I think I've pretty much either been on or 'off' a diet ever since, and we all know that being 'off' a diet is temporary, so you cram as much food enjoyment into that short window of opportunity as you possibly can! I gave up veganism when my son was about 7, so in came a whole host of new and extra things I could eat and feel bad about afterwards. Snickers bars were a favourite for a while! (I don't think I could eat one if you paid me these days!!).


Anyway, I've done Weight Watchers (on at least 3 separate occasions), and am proficient at both the Points and Core plans, and I've tried Slimmer Club UK (calorie counting) and Slimming World (how can a diet where you can eat Smash as a snack ever work?!), the South Beach and the Zone diets, the cabbage soup diet, Slimfast, and an online one called 'Sin and Slim' (!!). I had, until recently, one of the most comprehensive libraries of diet books in existence.


All this time I was nurturing a growing resentment. WHY? Why couldn't I eat normally? Why did I put on a pound a day whenever I came off my latest diet?! Food and all its aspects is one of my greatest pleasures! I love to cook, I love to shop for nice food, I love to read about food, I love to eat it! But I soooo wanted to be slim. The two things seemed totally incompatible. So if I wanted to be slim I would have to forgo my greatest pleasure. If I wanted to indulge that pleasure, I would have to put up with being fat!


Then I realised I was sick of dieting, really, really sick and fed up of it! I don’t need to lose weight for my health. I’m not overweight. It’s just vanity. I’m not stupid, I know I’ll never be skinny, no matter how much I diet. I’ll always have a well-padded bottom. And I don’t want to be skinny, anyway! I just want to be me, and have some fun, and maybe it would make more sense to try to change the way I feel about my body, than to try to change the body itself!


A couple of months ago I read an article in a magazine and saw a mention of Beyond Chocolate. It sparked an interest, so I had a look at the website. I'd never heard of intuitive eating before but what I was reading really struck a chord. I bought the book, and read it through, and I thought, “Yes!! This is what I’ve been groping for. I CAN do this!” And I gave away all my diet books and my Weight Watchers stuff, even the pretty little electronic Points calculator, because I’m never going to need those, ever again! I told everyone I know that I am never going to diet again. Now I feel so much happier and so free. And I HAVEN’T PUT ANY WEIGHT ON!



Sophie and Audrey, the ladies who wrote the Beyond Chocolate book, said that when you stop telling yourself that certain foods are forbidden, you free yourself from their power. YOU become in control. And it’s true! I keep chocolate in the same drawer where I used to hide it before, and mostly I don’t even eat it! Now I know I can have just a little square of proper cheese if I want, instead of extra low fat cream cheese, then if I really want, I’ll have just a little square. I can always have another later. NOT worrying about what I’m going to have for my lunch everyday is so wonderful. I can take something from home, or not. If not, then I can just go to M&S or wherever, and pick up something I fancy, and if that something is pudding, what the hell?!


This blog is going to be about my journey away from 15 years of serial dieting towards a normal, unfettered, relaxed relationship with food. It’s also going to be about my thoughts and feelings along the way. And it’s going to have my recipes in it, because making up recipes is my painting!