and hola!!

Well, here I am again in lovely old England, not missing the sun and the sea and stuff at all (pah!). Had a fab holiday, lots of lazing by the pool, eating too much cheese and drinking Sangre de Torro (the wine, not ACTUAL bull's blood!). That's me and The Hubby by the way, on the esplanade in Torrevieja. I have to admit to sneaking on the scales upon my return (not immediately, that would be a bit disturbing!!) and I had put on about 3lbs. Not bad for 2 weeks of eating ice cream and crisps and drinking cafe bonbons (espresso with sweetened condensed milk, for goodness sake!), and not moving very much! I used my journal a bit on the first day, as I had a couple of intuitive eating-related thoughts. Here they are, for what they're worth......

Sunday August 12th.
Holidays have food-habits too. The worst of mine is eating for the sake of it. I intend to try and avoid this as much as possible. Not easy. The Hubby had a bag of salted mixed nuts yesterday. I did have some, but I paid attention to eating them, and I THINK I had less than I might otherwise have done.
Making the coffee this morning I wished I had cream in it. Three years ago we went to Fuerteventura, and it was impossible to get fresh milk where we stayed, so we took to having long-life cream in our coffee. That can hardly be an ingrained habit! Just something I fancy. But I LIKE black coffee, and that's a GOOD thing. Cream should be an occasional treat.
So, I started the day with black coffee. I'll wait till I'm hungry for my breakfast, then perhaps I'll be able to decide if I want scrambled egg and smoked salmon or fruit and yoghurt. Can't decide right now.
I HAVE decided however, that I am not going to worry about food on this holiday. And yesterday I also decided that I'm not going to worry about meals and mealtimes either. I will eat when I am hungry and (try) not (to) eat when I'm not. If the others want me to cook them a meal then I will, but I will tell them they must ask. Yesterday (we had an odd, jumbled day because of flying) we had our lunch (Hubby and I) at about half 3. Mine was lovely, goats cheese and another sort, salad, crisps, olives and smoked salmon. I wanted to eat it ALL, but became aware that my stomach was full and getting uncomfortable. So I, sadly, left some. I told myself there was plenty more and I could have some more later. That was OK. Then about half 7 I was hungry again, and I felt I wanted hazelnut ice cream (but would have settled for a different flavour as long as it was quality stuff). I definitely DIDN'T want a cheap ice cream in a wrapper. But I felt quite relaxed about it, and knew I probably wouldn't get any till today. In the end I had (most of) a packet of plain crisps instead. I don't really want ice cream now!
Later.... I had half a peach, half a banana and half a plain yoghurt for my breakfast, then I waited, and was still hungry so had 2 corncakes with peanut butter. Actually I STILL feel hungry, but I don't think I really am. I'm going to have a shower and wash my hair and go to the supermercado for some showergel and some brandy. It's hard not to read the paper while I eat alone (everyone else is still asleep!). I've always read something. I have to keep reminding myself not to.

So how did I do? I think I did better than I usually do on holiday. I didn't have ice cream every day. I drank less than I usually do on holiday - I never bought that brandy, couldn't be bothered to carry the big heavy bottle back from the shop!. I tuned in a bit, and I was more relaxed about eating. I ate when I was hungry (I also ate when I wasn't, on occasion, but what I mean is I wasn't thinking, it's lunch time, I HAVE to have lunch). It's difficult when you are out of synch with everyone else - I was getting up much earlier than my Hubby or The Boy and his friend, so when they were having their breakfast I was starting to think about my lunch. Which often meant I needed 'tea' to keep me going till they were ready for dinner, even though I'd already had breakfast and lunch. But mostly I enjoyed myself and didn't worry about it, which is great, and meant I enjoyed my holiday!

WHY?!

I'm 42 years old, and I think I've been on one diet or another for about 15 years. I've never been what anyone would describe as 'thin', but on the other hand, I'm not overweight either (not at the moment anyway, though I have been, but only slightly).


I never worried about my weight or size until after I had my second child (he's now nearly 16!), when I did get quite large, for me. It was at that point that I went on my 'first ever proper diet'. I did Rosemary Conley's Hip and Thigh diet, and cooked a lot of things with soya mince and no oils. I was a vegan at the time. I think I've pretty much either been on or 'off' a diet ever since, and we all know that being 'off' a diet is temporary, so you cram as much food enjoyment into that short window of opportunity as you possibly can! I gave up veganism when my son was about 7, so in came a whole host of new and extra things I could eat and feel bad about afterwards. Snickers bars were a favourite for a while! (I don't think I could eat one if you paid me these days!!).


Anyway, I've done Weight Watchers (on at least 3 separate occasions), and am proficient at both the Points and Core plans, and I've tried Slimmer Club UK (calorie counting) and Slimming World (how can a diet where you can eat Smash as a snack ever work?!), the South Beach and the Zone diets, the cabbage soup diet, Slimfast, and an online one called 'Sin and Slim' (!!). I had, until recently, one of the most comprehensive libraries of diet books in existence.


All this time I was nurturing a growing resentment. WHY? Why couldn't I eat normally? Why did I put on a pound a day whenever I came off my latest diet?! Food and all its aspects is one of my greatest pleasures! I love to cook, I love to shop for nice food, I love to read about food, I love to eat it! But I soooo wanted to be slim. The two things seemed totally incompatible. So if I wanted to be slim I would have to forgo my greatest pleasure. If I wanted to indulge that pleasure, I would have to put up with being fat!


Then I realised I was sick of dieting, really, really sick and fed up of it! I don’t need to lose weight for my health. I’m not overweight. It’s just vanity. I’m not stupid, I know I’ll never be skinny, no matter how much I diet. I’ll always have a well-padded bottom. And I don’t want to be skinny, anyway! I just want to be me, and have some fun, and maybe it would make more sense to try to change the way I feel about my body, than to try to change the body itself!


A couple of months ago I read an article in a magazine and saw a mention of Beyond Chocolate. It sparked an interest, so I had a look at the website. I'd never heard of intuitive eating before but what I was reading really struck a chord. I bought the book, and read it through, and I thought, “Yes!! This is what I’ve been groping for. I CAN do this!” And I gave away all my diet books and my Weight Watchers stuff, even the pretty little electronic Points calculator, because I’m never going to need those, ever again! I told everyone I know that I am never going to diet again. Now I feel so much happier and so free. And I HAVEN’T PUT ANY WEIGHT ON!



Sophie and Audrey, the ladies who wrote the Beyond Chocolate book, said that when you stop telling yourself that certain foods are forbidden, you free yourself from their power. YOU become in control. And it’s true! I keep chocolate in the same drawer where I used to hide it before, and mostly I don’t even eat it! Now I know I can have just a little square of proper cheese if I want, instead of extra low fat cream cheese, then if I really want, I’ll have just a little square. I can always have another later. NOT worrying about what I’m going to have for my lunch everyday is so wonderful. I can take something from home, or not. If not, then I can just go to M&S or wherever, and pick up something I fancy, and if that something is pudding, what the hell?!


This blog is going to be about my journey away from 15 years of serial dieting towards a normal, unfettered, relaxed relationship with food. It’s also going to be about my thoughts and feelings along the way. And it’s going to have my recipes in it, because making up recipes is my painting!