Well, my weight had been creeping up a bit since my holiday, but I think it's stopped now. To be honest, I hadn't been trying very hard, and was still a bit in the holiday spirit as far as food was concerned. I feel like I've turned a little corner just recently though, possibly triggered by my horror at passing 10st again! I know that's not a very 'BC' thing to say, but I had made myself a promise that I wouldn't go over 10 ever again.

I'm still struggling with not eating everything on my plate. Not a problem so much at dinner time, as we generally have something that we serve ourselves from a big pan, so I can have a small portion to begin with. But at breakfast it's hard. I've been having greek yoghurt with fruit, honey and a handful of 'Eat Natural' cereal. It's so delicious, and it's breakfast and nutritious, so I'm saying to myself that it's OK to eat it all because it's the most important meal of the day etc. And perhaps it's true, but I need to learn to leave some food on my plate, and I won't learn it that way! The last couple of mornings though, I've tried harder to tune in, and have managed to leave some. Only a smidge, but it's a start.

I still haven't started working my way through the Guru Club stuff, which I started getting back in August before I went away. I need to spend an hour on Sunday looking over the 'tasks' for the first week, and get buckled down to it.

I'm having lunch with a friend tomorrow, looking forward to some nice fish cakes or something. Then Friday evening a few of us are going to the pub after work for a leaving drink and some food (there's a pattern here - can you spot it?). Saturday I've got my mum coming over, which means another lunch out, then in the evening we're going to friends' for dinner. I'm OK with that though, getting much better at leaving food in restaurants, and I've always felt OK about ordering starters for main or whatever. It's my own cooking I can't resist! I made the most delicious roasted veg with veggie sausages tonight! I had an organic box delivered today, soooo much veg!!! I put potatoes, onions, carrots, sweet potatoes, leeks, courgettes, peppers, garlic and olives in tonight. I had half a bottle of M&S red wine and rosemary marinade left over so I used that too, and some veg stock powder, and Tesco hot dog sausages, and it was bloody marvelous!! The Boy's just come back from the gym, and had a big bowl full and loved it. There's plenty left, so I'll tub some up for Friday's lunch.

Had a marvelous day in Manchester with BC Girls on Sunday. Got a lift from Meadowhell with the beautiful Mousie (the less said about her pranging her car the better!!), and we had a wonderful lunch in Carluccio's in the Trafford Centre. I was very proud of myself for not eating all my lunch, despite it being yummy. I got invited out to dinner with the family on my way home, and as I wasn't very hungry, I had a starter - which was actually massive! Two rolls of smoked salmon filled with prawns, served with salad and Marie Rose sauce. When I got home, The Boy and I watched 28 Weeks Later, which was brill, so I had a very good day.

Anyway, I'm of to bed now. This making the dinner late lark is working a treat. I'm still having a bit of chocolate after dinner, but then nothing else.
Night night.....

and hola!!

Well, here I am again in lovely old England, not missing the sun and the sea and stuff at all (pah!). Had a fab holiday, lots of lazing by the pool, eating too much cheese and drinking Sangre de Torro (the wine, not ACTUAL bull's blood!). That's me and The Hubby by the way, on the esplanade in Torrevieja. I have to admit to sneaking on the scales upon my return (not immediately, that would be a bit disturbing!!) and I had put on about 3lbs. Not bad for 2 weeks of eating ice cream and crisps and drinking cafe bonbons (espresso with sweetened condensed milk, for goodness sake!), and not moving very much! I used my journal a bit on the first day, as I had a couple of intuitive eating-related thoughts. Here they are, for what they're worth......

Sunday August 12th.
Holidays have food-habits too. The worst of mine is eating for the sake of it. I intend to try and avoid this as much as possible. Not easy. The Hubby had a bag of salted mixed nuts yesterday. I did have some, but I paid attention to eating them, and I THINK I had less than I might otherwise have done.
Making the coffee this morning I wished I had cream in it. Three years ago we went to Fuerteventura, and it was impossible to get fresh milk where we stayed, so we took to having long-life cream in our coffee. That can hardly be an ingrained habit! Just something I fancy. But I LIKE black coffee, and that's a GOOD thing. Cream should be an occasional treat.
So, I started the day with black coffee. I'll wait till I'm hungry for my breakfast, then perhaps I'll be able to decide if I want scrambled egg and smoked salmon or fruit and yoghurt. Can't decide right now.
I HAVE decided however, that I am not going to worry about food on this holiday. And yesterday I also decided that I'm not going to worry about meals and mealtimes either. I will eat when I am hungry and (try) not (to) eat when I'm not. If the others want me to cook them a meal then I will, but I will tell them they must ask. Yesterday (we had an odd, jumbled day because of flying) we had our lunch (Hubby and I) at about half 3. Mine was lovely, goats cheese and another sort, salad, crisps, olives and smoked salmon. I wanted to eat it ALL, but became aware that my stomach was full and getting uncomfortable. So I, sadly, left some. I told myself there was plenty more and I could have some more later. That was OK. Then about half 7 I was hungry again, and I felt I wanted hazelnut ice cream (but would have settled for a different flavour as long as it was quality stuff). I definitely DIDN'T want a cheap ice cream in a wrapper. But I felt quite relaxed about it, and knew I probably wouldn't get any till today. In the end I had (most of) a packet of plain crisps instead. I don't really want ice cream now!
Later.... I had half a peach, half a banana and half a plain yoghurt for my breakfast, then I waited, and was still hungry so had 2 corncakes with peanut butter. Actually I STILL feel hungry, but I don't think I really am. I'm going to have a shower and wash my hair and go to the supermercado for some showergel and some brandy. It's hard not to read the paper while I eat alone (everyone else is still asleep!). I've always read something. I have to keep reminding myself not to.

So how did I do? I think I did better than I usually do on holiday. I didn't have ice cream every day. I drank less than I usually do on holiday - I never bought that brandy, couldn't be bothered to carry the big heavy bottle back from the shop!. I tuned in a bit, and I was more relaxed about eating. I ate when I was hungry (I also ate when I wasn't, on occasion, but what I mean is I wasn't thinking, it's lunch time, I HAVE to have lunch). It's difficult when you are out of synch with everyone else - I was getting up much earlier than my Hubby or The Boy and his friend, so when they were having their breakfast I was starting to think about my lunch. Which often meant I needed 'tea' to keep me going till they were ready for dinner, even though I'd already had breakfast and lunch. But mostly I enjoyed myself and didn't worry about it, which is great, and meant I enjoyed my holiday!

Adios Amigas!

Well, in 11 hours I leave for my holiday. Two weeks in a place called La Mata, near Torrevieja on the Costa Blanca! I'm not going to worry about what I eat on holiday, but I'm also hoping not to eat just for the sake of it - I say that every year!!
Usually, when I go on my summer holiday, I've just spent the previous months dieting to lose weight for the holiday and am planning on going back to the diet when I return, because I haven't lost as much as I wanted to! It'll be interesting to see if this year I can avoid that 'eat as much as possible in the 2 weeks off' mentality.
I'm very much looking forward to buying a kilo of fresh figs for a Euro from the market, to the gorgeous yellow peaches they sold in the supermercado last time we were there, to those lovely knobbly little cucumbers the Spanish have that look like home-grown ones, and to the very cheap brandy!! At least Spanish chocolate isn't worth bothering about!
I've bought 3 new bikinis this year, and I think I look pretty damn hot in them (so does the Hubby!!), as long as I stand very still just so......
So, till I get back, adios. I'll let you know how I get on, and if it's easier or more fun or particularly different being on holiday out of the 'diet loop'!
Tarra a bit!
Ax

What'll it be?

The other morning I had orange juice for the first time in ages! Y'know, when I'm 'on a diet' I don't drink juice at all. Why waste 'Points'/calories on non-alcoholic drinks?! I can have water or black coffee or tea with skimmed milk or diet coke. It must have been several years since I had orange juice. I'm not a really big juice fan or anything, but it was very nice! I only had one glass, a moderately small one. Then a few days later I met The Hubby after work, and really didn't want coffee, it was only a couple of hours since my last break, and I'd had coffee then. Normally I'd have diet coke (I resent what places charge for bottled water, and, well you can't just order a glass of tap water, that'd be really tight!), but that's caffeine too. Then I remembered I could have whatever I wanted! I toyed with the idea of a nice glass of red wine, but it was only 5pm and that seemed a little indecent, so I had a strawberry smoothie. We were going out to eat later, so it kept me full till then. I must try to remember I'm not limited anymore to either calorie free soft drinks/coffee, or alcohol.

What I did today...

....was mostly crawling around in a field!! Actually, it wasn't mostly, I only crawled around in a field for about an hour, but that's long enough!

The sun shone today, how wonderful. Isn't it funny how something as out of our control as the weather can have such a profound effect on our mood. It even changes the way we see ourselves in the mirror doesn't it? You know that stupid, stupid thing that happens, where you look in the mirror and you think you look OK, and then you look again a day, or half a day, or even half an hour, later, and suddenly you look hideous!! You KNOW you haven't changed, physically. Neither has your mirror. You aren't even necessarily wearing different clothes. It's not rational, is it? But it happens. And when the sun shines and you look in the mirror, you look a bit better, because you feel a bit better.

Anyway, after a lovely breakfast of scrambled eggs on gluten-free toast (with butter!) with The Hubby this morning I set off through town (called at the lingerie sale in M&S on the way, and also picked up some lunch) to catch a bus out to a place called Whirlow Hall Farm, which is on the outskirts, and where you can pick your own fruit. I made a £1 donation per punnet and headed off for the fields. I was a bit over-optimistic and paid for 4. I ate my lunch between the raspberry canes, in the sun. After my hour crawling around (never any midgets or willing toddlers around when you need 'em!) looking under bushes, I had 1 (ONE!) punnet of mixed fruit (gooseberries, blackcurrants, strawberries and raspberries). It's a charitable trust so I didn't bother to ask for my money back, they can't help the dreadful weather anyway, and I bought half a dozen eggs as well. It was 3pm when I set off, and the bus back to town (only one an hour on a Sunday) was due at 3.50 so I walked for about half an hour till I got to a place with more buses.

Back home, I set about the fruit with some apples and a nectarine and some sugar, and have just produced the most delicious crumble! I can't remember the last time I had crumble - being 'on a diet' rather precludes things like crumble, unless you are doing WW 'Core' and fancy making it from crushed All Bran - why would anyone ever want to do that?! I made MY topping with polenta, ground almonds and gluten-free plain flour, with real butter, and brown sugar. I think I ate rather too much, and am bemoaning the fact I haven't room for any more. It might be prudent to hide a portion, as The Boy and The Hubby both had 2 helpings at dinner and are likely to finish it off later after I've gone to bed.

First course was spaghetti with 'meatballs'. Sosmix (a dry packet mix you rehydrate with water and then shape as required, for those who don't know it) balls cooked in a sauce made from tinned cherry tomatoes (plum or chopped will do), an onion sauteed in oil, fresh thyme, green beans and sundried tomatoes. No need to fry the sosmix , it cooks like dumplings in the sauce. I had a couple of slices of yesterday's lentil bake with mine instead of spaghetti, because gluten-free pasta is a crime against humanity! We also had salad. I'm feeling a little bit stuffed now!

So, I didn't manage to be so mindful with that meal, it was just too, too delicious! But I did resist having seconds of pudding, which I REALLY wanted, because I was already feeling a bit uncomfortable. No point in being cross with myself, I went out and picked the bloody fruit, and walked miles into the bargain!

Lentil and Cheese Loaf

300g Red Lentils

1 medium onion

2 garlic cloves

2 tsp ground cumin

1 tsp ground cardamom

200g mature cheddar

1 egg, beaten

Oil

Salt and pepper

Rinse the lentils, place in a pan and cover with water. Bring to the boil, lower the heat and cook for about 15 minutes or until soft, adding a little more water if necessary.

Meanwhile, fry the chopped onion and the crushed garlic in the oil in another pan, and add the ground spices, stirring to prevent sticking.

Tip the onions and spices into the lentils, season well with salt and pepper and stir in the grated cheese and beaten egg and mix well.

Line a 2lb loaf tin with greaseproof paper, oil, and pour the lentil mixture in.

Bake at 200º for 30 minutes.

Remove from the oven and allow to cool until set.

Turn out onto a plate and serve sliced.

WHY?!

I'm 42 years old, and I think I've been on one diet or another for about 15 years. I've never been what anyone would describe as 'thin', but on the other hand, I'm not overweight either (not at the moment anyway, though I have been, but only slightly).


I never worried about my weight or size until after I had my second child (he's now nearly 16!), when I did get quite large, for me. It was at that point that I went on my 'first ever proper diet'. I did Rosemary Conley's Hip and Thigh diet, and cooked a lot of things with soya mince and no oils. I was a vegan at the time. I think I've pretty much either been on or 'off' a diet ever since, and we all know that being 'off' a diet is temporary, so you cram as much food enjoyment into that short window of opportunity as you possibly can! I gave up veganism when my son was about 7, so in came a whole host of new and extra things I could eat and feel bad about afterwards. Snickers bars were a favourite for a while! (I don't think I could eat one if you paid me these days!!).


Anyway, I've done Weight Watchers (on at least 3 separate occasions), and am proficient at both the Points and Core plans, and I've tried Slimmer Club UK (calorie counting) and Slimming World (how can a diet where you can eat Smash as a snack ever work?!), the South Beach and the Zone diets, the cabbage soup diet, Slimfast, and an online one called 'Sin and Slim' (!!). I had, until recently, one of the most comprehensive libraries of diet books in existence.


All this time I was nurturing a growing resentment. WHY? Why couldn't I eat normally? Why did I put on a pound a day whenever I came off my latest diet?! Food and all its aspects is one of my greatest pleasures! I love to cook, I love to shop for nice food, I love to read about food, I love to eat it! But I soooo wanted to be slim. The two things seemed totally incompatible. So if I wanted to be slim I would have to forgo my greatest pleasure. If I wanted to indulge that pleasure, I would have to put up with being fat!


Then I realised I was sick of dieting, really, really sick and fed up of it! I don’t need to lose weight for my health. I’m not overweight. It’s just vanity. I’m not stupid, I know I’ll never be skinny, no matter how much I diet. I’ll always have a well-padded bottom. And I don’t want to be skinny, anyway! I just want to be me, and have some fun, and maybe it would make more sense to try to change the way I feel about my body, than to try to change the body itself!


A couple of months ago I read an article in a magazine and saw a mention of Beyond Chocolate. It sparked an interest, so I had a look at the website. I'd never heard of intuitive eating before but what I was reading really struck a chord. I bought the book, and read it through, and I thought, “Yes!! This is what I’ve been groping for. I CAN do this!” And I gave away all my diet books and my Weight Watchers stuff, even the pretty little electronic Points calculator, because I’m never going to need those, ever again! I told everyone I know that I am never going to diet again. Now I feel so much happier and so free. And I HAVEN’T PUT ANY WEIGHT ON!



Sophie and Audrey, the ladies who wrote the Beyond Chocolate book, said that when you stop telling yourself that certain foods are forbidden, you free yourself from their power. YOU become in control. And it’s true! I keep chocolate in the same drawer where I used to hide it before, and mostly I don’t even eat it! Now I know I can have just a little square of proper cheese if I want, instead of extra low fat cream cheese, then if I really want, I’ll have just a little square. I can always have another later. NOT worrying about what I’m going to have for my lunch everyday is so wonderful. I can take something from home, or not. If not, then I can just go to M&S or wherever, and pick up something I fancy, and if that something is pudding, what the hell?!


This blog is going to be about my journey away from 15 years of serial dieting towards a normal, unfettered, relaxed relationship with food. It’s also going to be about my thoughts and feelings along the way. And it’s going to have my recipes in it, because making up recipes is my painting!